Semi-crazy blonde girl strikes again!

new and improved combined blog...

2010-04-10T15:33:00.001-06:00

So, I was keeping up way too many blogs and I decided to combine them and the best way to do that was to import my two main blogs to one wordpress blog. I hope you guys will still continue to read what I write, because it really does mean a lot to me to have such great readers. My new blog address is: http://krissyranae.wordpress.com. There you will find both my writing blog, my random whatever blog, and a brand new post! Thanks guys!

the internet: a great place for undeliverable mail...

2010-03-12T01:06:00.002-07:00

To you,
I miss you irrationally. I just want to be close to you right now, and it is completely impossible. Life is stupid. Sometimes I wonder what I did to Karma to piss her off to the point where bad things follow me around. Even things that seem good at the time lose their glimmer and I realize that they really weren't gold as they had first seemed. It is amazing how big of a chasm separates us. You are one place, I am another, and although I would love to sit and rest my head in your lap, it isn't possible. More than anything I want to hear your voice telling me that everything will be okay. I want you to brush my hair out of my eyes like you used to and make me laugh. I miss laughing with you. I want time travel. I want to be able to revisit your table so that we can talk again. I want to smile at you and see an answering smile on your face. Someone should make the impossible possible.
Sweet dreams...

a poem in a college notebook...

2010-03-09T01:40:00.002-07:00

Lickity-splickity splat!
The cat ate grandma's hat.
The cat did choke,
and then it croaked.
Lickity-splickity splat!

dead brain... too much comic writing...

2010-03-05T02:38:00.000-07:00

Could we imagine for a minute
a place cut out of time
where there was another story,
before it was washed away with turpentine.
There were thoughts and there were songs
and someone blew ash into the air.
It carried on the wind and landed
far away off in the over there.
Something sat on the west side,
while there was nothing to the east,
and Fate sat and decided
who she liked the least.
While it turned over to the other
making circles in the sand
sending ripples through the water
cutting wrinkles in her hand.
Then the sirens sounded
drawing life closer to the rocks.
They shredded souls and left alone
the ships moored on the docks.

dead scarf...

2010-02-23T12:12:00.005-07:00

Epitaph:

Here lies the remnants of a once beautiful scarf.
You were not long in this world, and that was the real problem.
Ultimately, you just fell short, and were cut down.

(Ba-dum-ch)

most certainly, yes, quite...

2010-02-02T00:17:00.003-07:00

Well hello, dear nemesis. So, it seems we meet again. I must have been somewhat mistaken upon our last encounter when I had thought to have ended you. However, it seems that your light was not snuffed. My revelry in your demise was premature and my elation over your doom was misplaced. Once again we stand toe to toe looking at one another directly in the eye. Actually, is it my imagination, or did you shrink some? I seem to be staring, more or less, at your forehead. Never mind that small rabbit trail of a notion, it was misguided... Bother, perhaps you became more diminutive in stature specifically to throw me off my original intent. Now I seem to have forgotten where I was going with this whole speech. Blast! You may have one this battle, my most hated and ubiquitous foe. However, as it is your very nature (see previous descriptor), we shall meet again. I am most ready for this encounter, and I will prepare my next oration with more care. Let it be known that you will meet your demise at the will of my very hand.

at least for now...

2010-01-12T13:23:00.003-07:00

If this could be a little less of me
and a little more like life:
for a time floating through the air,
living in space, less light
at least for now...
I wanted to learn to fly,
to bend what has to lie and make
something that looked like
it could be the facts,
at least for now...
Complex, it was defined,
but working within the given rhyme:
making something that I wanted
math or science something other,
at least for now...
Do not yell those obscenities
telling me what was supposed to be:
you are dark and dimming now
into the cold and swirling mist,
at least for now,
at least for now...

famous poet envy...

2010-01-08T00:26:00.004-07:00

you should not look at me like that
it kills me to see you stare at me
like i'm the center of your world
tearing through this rhythm
making my way into the places i want to be
it is time for me to make some decisions
about the way my life should go
and it is time for you to sit there quietly
hold me close let me weep
ripping off all the awkwardness
tell me that you love me
it only hurts at first and only for a while
if the stars are shining for us
then let's just sit hushed and agree
do not argue with the whispers floating in the night sky
telling you that this is right
this is not the time to flee
away from this kind of best thing
close your lips and press them next to my ear
where they can sleep
and i will keep you safe

strange, but true...

2009-11-29T02:56:00.004-07:00

Yeah, I just dreamed this, seriously. I'm glad I keep a notebook or a computer next to me at all times. In my dream I was sitting under a tree in a gorgeous sweater and a long flowy skirt, playing the guitar, and singing this to the wind. For some reason my hair was brownish and it kept blowing into my face, so I actually stopped mid song, pulled it back into a braid, and started over. My psyche is completely nuts.

The minute I gave up,
the minute my heart stopped,
is when I saw the colors fly by
in a technicolor sky.
The moment you held me
is the moment you sold me
on spending all of my days
wrapped up in this haze.
You promised with a kiss
it would always be like this
and I believed you,
because that is what I do.
Please never let this end;
always remember when
you told me this would last
and you calmed away the past.
In that whisper you told me,
in that minute where you showed me,
that life could be better
I wanted you forever.

shifty, shifty...

2009-11-29T01:29:00.004-07:00

Another entry or two from my little notebook. It's been a really long time since I posted stuff from it.

You are welcome to look
until I shut you out.
Trust me when I say that
you are nothing special.
I see you the same as I see
him, or her, or them.
If you were different,
then I would keep you.
Shamefully, I will let you
keep plugging away.
If you want to waste your time,
you are welcome.
I want to want you,
more than I want to feel the wind.
Maybe burying myself in the sand
is the best solution.
It will slowly shift and crush me
as I breathe.
Then you will have me,
for as long as you want me.
----

I have a car, full of gas, ready to run.
Come with me into the hills,
we will spend some time basking in the sun.
If we hide behind the rocks,
and build ourselves a house in the valley,
they will not know where we have gone.
Tell me to come away with you,
I will be in your arms soon.
Nothing can stop me,
when I set my mind on what I want.
Let me run away with you,
somewhere, anywhere, as long as I can
fade away into oblivion with you.

truths and a lie

2009-11-29T01:05:00.004-07:00

I wrote these down, and I don't know why. It is especially odd due to the fact that they are in a notebook that only I look at. I am completely insane. I suppose you can all play if you want though.

Four Truths and a Lie

1: Sometimes I pretend I'm a vampire and refuse to recognize my reflection in mirrors.
2: My electronics all have names.
3: I am easily persuaded by infomercials, but only after midnight(ish).
4: I used to think I was brave.
5: I have an alternate version of almost anything I do waiting in my brain, unused.

1: I like celery.
2: I'll do almost anything for cake.
3: If I'm cooking anything I will inevitably burn myself.
4: I like beets.
5: I wish I was a better cook.

1: I can't ever get myself to regret anything.
2: I like hugging some people enough to initiate the hug.
3: I had a dream about purple flying lions once.
4: I want to visit England mostly so that I can visit the homes of dead writers.
5: I secretly wish I could be a rock star.

I really don't know how this ended up on a page in my notebook, silly brain...

2009-11-29T01:02:00.003-07:00

It seemed like a good idea at the time is the only reason I can come up with now. I looked over the cliff and realized that if I could get moving fast enough something would snap and the world would turn inside out. In that instant, I would be able to see something else. Something else being an alternate reality, of course. Needless to say it worked. Now I am stuck in Oz looking for a way to jump into a wormhole and back to something that makes sense. Rainbow horses and talking animals have never been my thing.

bored insomnia haiku

2009-11-16T00:40:00.003-07:00

Swedish Fish

So red and gooey.
You are a tasty lil bit.
In my tummy, yumm.
--
Brrrrr (Inspired by my situation after work tonight)

Shivering and cold,
Because winter is now here.
I forgot my coat.
--
Solution to an Allergy

Can you be my cat?
Sit and purr on my lap please.
You don't make me sneeze.
--
Sleepy Time

Stop now the silly.
Sleep is a good thing to get.
Off to dream of cake.

repose...

2009-11-11T02:13:00.004-07:00

It is what you are thinking:
That you want it to be me so badly
you would run until you felt sick.
Bent over and heaving you would realize
in the end it is never worth the cost.
Do you not see how toxic I am?
It is in the hours that passed
while I sat in the rain watching.
I watched it all and realized that life
is a series of understated colors.
Not nearly saturated enough.
You can fix it with markers,
it is never quite the same though.
Fake is easy to pick out of a crowd;
much easier to spot than real.
Like in the movies.
You yell at the screen,
"Don't open the door!"
They always open the door.
It is like that for you.

Try and remember a time before all of this.
Was there a time?
I remember a place.
The grass was soft and I was alone.
It felt nice to bask in the summer sun
before all of the crazy happened
that made this life into nonsense.
Not an unpleasant shift,
but a melancholy one to be sure.

It is what I am thinking.
I want it to be you so badly
that I would run through this maze to find you.
Even when the madhouse mirrors
threaten to consume my soul,
I would fight for the chance.
It is easier to blame you,
but I see it in myself as well.
A piece of me that asks you to stay.
Sit by me on the hill
and watch the flowers bloom.
Pretend that this is much easier
than the boggling mess it is.
The leaves will fall and the sun will drift,
but it will not matter forever.

I tried to remember a time before this.
There was nothing.
It was blank like empty canvas.
Lonely, empty, waiting.
Never meaning for you to feel
the pain that stabs at me, I dove
down into the water for a swim.
But there was still nothing but now.

It's a rhyme scheme,silly...

2009-11-10T23:48:00.003-07:00

Far too long, and the road winds on.
If you cannot get it now,
how can you ever be wrong?
A bad dream, just a moment in the night.
Something in the shadows
telling me that this has to be right.
Can you not hear her singing?
It was the purest sound on the wind!
Crashing around, caressing, clinging,
waking up the dark.
It makes me want to scream at the foolishness
of making this attempted satirical remark.
You scream of revolutions!
But then you taunt me into submission,
telling me that compliance is the best solution.
A character reference from fate
tells me that this could be
the day that made forever a day to late.

It's only a little one...

2009-09-19T01:09:00.003-06:00

If you get some,
could you share it with me?
Just a little.
I won't be selfish.
I just need a fix to get me through
this day and then tomorrow.
If I told you that you were pretty
would you hold my hand
and tell me I was pretty too.
I promise,
I'll never steal your thunder,
but you can steel yourself
from the pain and I'll still win.
It's hopeless.
You should know that
in the end the bad guys take away
your will to live.
Don't feel like you are worth less,
don't give up.
Just realize there isn't
any more than this.
I realized
I had left it all behind me
and it helped me for a while.
This emptiness is only temporary.
Someday this mess
will be less messy
and the games we play
will feel like they were never games at all.
And you'll remember when you gave in.
You'll remember when you made the choice
to tell me that
you had given up.

blah...

2009-09-19T00:50:00.002-06:00

It seems I saw your face once
before I knew it was you.
And in that moment the world stopped;
the sky changed from green to blue.
Time left,
and hearts stopped beating.
Somehow they must have known:
This would be the worst thing
that could happen to the world.
As planets fell from the sky
and crashed into the ocean.
The stars all turned from dark to light
and set the future into motion.
Believe what you need to,
whatever helps you sleep at night.
But there was something there once,
before the earth could claim us.

empty suitcase...

2009-08-27T14:01:00.002-06:00

Hello, empty suitcase, we meet again! I loathe thee and love thee all at the same time. Oh, dear suitcase, you will take me places, and yet you taunt me and torture me. Why must you stare at me with such desire and longing and yet confound me?

(Yep, it's official, my procrastination has driven me to complete madness...)

farewell...

2009-08-27T01:08:00.004-06:00

If I leave you in the morning
before you see the sun,
promise not to cry love.
I'll be there in your arms still,
even though I'm gone.
Hold your breath,
and say a prayer.
Please do not worry,
I'll be right there.
With every beat your heart takes,
mine will take one too,
until I fall asleep again,
with a sigh,
right next to you.

now I am just stalling...

2009-07-29T11:35:00.004-06:00

It's been a while since I put up limerick...

There once was a toe on a foot
That liked to play in the soot
It got lost in the fog
And kicked a stray dog,
And now in a shoe it stays put.

Not a limerick...

I've found a reason to drink
On every day of the week.
This drinking has caused
Me to take pause
And thank iGoogle for having such an amazing widget that would tell me daily a valid reason to go buy alcohol. Cheers!

bah humbug...

2009-07-25T22:47:00.003-06:00

There goes my brain again, it is jumping around like popcorn and trying to make me crazy. Goodbye brain. Go ahead and dive in deep. Why not? It would be great to let you think whatever for a change. Go on. Be free! Silly brain. Stop being so difficult. If I could quit worrying about this stupid nothing, things could be perfect. But the stupid nothing just bites, and I want to be able to go fly around for a bit and whistle a show tune or two.

hmm... yummy.

2009-07-25T21:56:00.004-06:00

Can I come over
and hold you for a while?
If you would:
whisper to me in the dark,
and teach my how to smile again.
Please tell me that you don't love me.
That is not what I am looking for.
There was a time
that it would have been nice,
but not all stories
should end the way of ever after.
What about the night is sacred?
Why do people worship it so?
I was falling and you caught me,
but it was not the right thing,
the best thing,
the only thing.
There could have been a better way.
Someone is yelling truth in my ear,
and I am begging for you to lie.
Tell me your secrets
and listen to mine...
Let me be a little more than average.
Run your fingers
down my spine again
and show me how wonderful
it is to be worshiped like the night.
Make it better than it should be.
You could hold me, and I would not mind.
There are some things
I am willing to give up for something as great
as your arms around me.
It is all nonsense and imagined,
but I want it.
Just a taste for a bit,
and then I will let you be.
Just a taste of the darkness,
and of secrets,
and of the night.

if i could just hold on...

2009-07-11T03:36:00.005-06:00

Could I wish you there and then away?
I want you close,
and yet I want my solitude.
There is this grey area,
a place where there is everything.
You will, no doubt, ruin heaven.
Yet, I can't seem to leave you
without feeling like I am missing out.
Your pull is magnetic.
My head spins and lights on fire,
simply standing,
sitting,
breathing,
talking.
The pulse is unavoidable,
and my blood boils at the thought.
Pulled close and pushed away.
Wants and needs
and everything that is you and me.
Every minute that I look into your eyes
is another minute that I lose hope.
My heart stops and I remember it is futile.
Yet, there is something more.
Something less.
The irony of the two coinciding
pushes me to see another day.
Splitting in half I am drawn away
and pushed toward.
The night and day are fighting for my soul,
and I haven't decided who I want to win.
You will, undoubtedly.
I will be left to sulk,
and yet I will enjoy it in the end.
We could skip the hard part,
but then life would be miserable again.

just a little diddy that hit me the other night...

2009-07-10T00:35:00.002-06:00

Could you open the sky for me and let the rain fall?
Just let me be washed in the cool downpour.
My soul is weary.
My feet are tired.
There was a time that I believed in promises,
but then life happened.
It came on slowly,
creeping up on me like fog rolling over the hills.
Winding into my heart, choking out the life.
The sun is warm and lovely,
but I cannot feel it today.
What the hell gives you the right to torture me?
I lived for you.
I gave everything to you.
Crying and running I fell into your lap,
and you patted my head and sent me back.
How cruel can one mistress be?
How unfeeling?
You held my hand for a little while,
and now you turn me out into the street.
Just leave me then.
Just let me go,
release the right you have to me
and allow me to run into the night screaming.
It would feel good to taste freedom.
It would feel good to taste the rain.

a matter of theft...

2009-07-07T14:03:00.003-06:00

If you aren't using it anymore, do you mind if I have your soul? I mean, it is just sitting there and growing dusty. If you are going to pretend it doesn't exist, maybe I could find a good use for it. the world just does not need more people that spend their lives falling through cracks and slipping into nothing. There is no use for the crack people and their mind games. They have a whole civilization that nobody dares to speak of. If the words are spoken and the truth comes out we cease to exist and they win. But as long as you are still teetering between darkness and light and deciding if you will crossover or stay put, could you please just give me a minute? I'm not telling you which side to choose. I have no interest in either. My neutrality will ultimately win me a spot in the nothingness of purgatory and that is okay with me. As long as I can live a not miserable life and die a not miserable death I am okay with living in the grey area. However, if you will not give me what I want, I might have to change my mind and just take it. You won't miss it. You aren't using it anyway.

okay, mom, I wrote this silly lil diddy just for you cuz I felt bad about writing something I knew you wouldn't like...

2009-06-24T23:01:00.002-06:00

Skipping, skipping.
Falling, falling.
Whoops, I slipped on a snail.
There's water dripping
from the roof,
and landing in a pail.
Dripping, dropping.
Flipping, flopping.
Crash! The sky explodes.
Electricity lighting
up the air,
and putting on a show.

mom... don't read this... you won't like it... the language will make you mad... you have been warned...

2009-06-24T22:39:00.005-06:00

When the sky falls,
I hope you are alone.
Sitting somewhere in the dark just watching.
You make my soul catch fire,
and then somehow there is nothing.
Leave this alone.
Stay out of it.
Let the fucking sky fall
and surround you.
Know me for just one minute.
The only way to understand
is to be surrounded
completely shrouded
in pain and darkness and beauty.
It is everything and nothing,
and I hope you find it alone.
Smell the flowers and
drink up the whiskey and gin
take a minute to let the wind whirl
and the earth shake.
The sky is falling down
and you have lost the wreath
that rested on your head
like some lost and sacred crown
and now you are nothing but someone like me.
If the world has left you alone
while you sit and call the stars into your lap
then maybe you can understand,
and finally fucking love me.
Let your soul fall apart.
My soul falls apart.
There has to be more,
but there is no more to take
and I wonder what will be left
when we turn around and walk away
from the place where you
sat as the sky crashed down.

of cabbages and kings, or maybe art....

2009-06-18T16:00:00.002-06:00

Art for the sake of creating art. Literature for the sake of creating plot. Poetry for the sake of rhyme and rhythm. Back off, this is my realm. My thought processes are so jaded that the last thing I need is for some nobody to tell me that there is no point in the things I enjoy. My double life: reality and unreality. I exist in both places, but I do not like to be told that one of them is more worthy of my time.

icky... icky... icky...

2009-06-03T22:53:00.003-06:00

Posted: No Moths To Enter Premises Upon Pain of Death

---

Epitaph:

Here lies a creepy moth.
He had no real purpose,
But he enjoyed torturing the innocent.
He will not be missed,
But he will be rued for eternity,
Thus making this evil creature immortal.

(Blast)

liar, liar...

2009-05-26T22:39:00.003-06:00

It's true,
I'm just neurotic and insecure enough not to let this go.
It will eat me alive.
Slowly, I'll die.
But meanwhile,
I will let you think that nothing is wrong.
Because,
I want you to be happy.
I want to make you smile.
My misery means nothing.
You in pain,
is the one thing that I simply cannot handle.
Therefore, I will make you believe.
I will play the game;
the role I was born to play.
I'm not a martyr.
I am just who I am.
And I want you to smile for me, because of me.
I want to be the one that makes you fall into blissful silence.
Please.
Let me lie to you.
Let me be the one that sacrifices myself for you.
Because, it is true:
I am just neurotic and insecure enough not to let this go.

umm... I do not condone huffing turpentine...

2009-05-23T01:55:00.002-06:00

Can the turpentine fill your soul the same way that she did?
Take it in long enough,
maybe someday you will stop living and believe it.

Does it hurt you when you think,
that you let the best thing go?
You left everything worth living for
hanging on a rotting wall.

Try not to breathe.
Try not to fall.
Try not to give in.
Try not to let go.

If the turpentine can fill your soul the same way she did.
Maybe you made the right choice all along.
But then, why do you look so defeated?

cheers darlings...

2009-05-23T01:18:00.004-06:00

Tears fall.
You sing sweeter when the lights go down.
Cheerful misery written in the lines,
etched upon your face,
a story older than how we see time.
There is a way out,
but why would you take it?
This is the way that life is,
it makes you feel better just to fake it.
Here's to beer and the good times,
brought on by the bad times.
Here's to life being unpredictable.
Raise a glass or a bottle,
hit the ground running don't stop.
It could be better,
but remember,
it could always get much worse.
Life is painless,
love can make it,
maybe you can cut off the disdain.
As tears fall,
you realize that good and bad
they are all the same.
The same reactions,
same attractions.
Things will always be this way.

look... more... I should stop...

2009-05-19T23:48:00.003-06:00

A lofty goal, reaching the moon
and tying him down to the carpet beneath your feet.
It is not avoidable, it is a conquest.
You know, in your soul, that there is nothing-
nothing but the moon and your endless need for his comfort.
The moon holds you still,
Staring into your eyes he promises you everything-
The world, the stars, your dreams.
There is no escape from his endless gravity.
Pulling you close, he promises you
that he will always be there;
he makes promises not worth keeping.
Looking past the moon you see what you should choose.
There is more out there,
but the moon demands your full attention.
He holds you.
You comply, not bitterly, but because you know you must.
There will always be a tomorrow,
but there will also always be the moon.

this could be one of many tonight... we shall see...

2009-05-19T23:30:00.003-06:00

Timing for a minute or an hour;
a matter of moments, a matter of power.

Can you imagine if it wasn't like this?
A struggle to survive and exist.
A constant battle between want and need,
between what you have and what you see.

For just a moment you find peace,
a place to rest your weary head.
For just a moment you are released,
but then you wake up dead.

Fragile, in a constant state of panic;
but that is not the point.
The point is that the world is beautiful,
but that you have to see beauty in the tragic.

this is the plan kids...

2009-05-19T11:44:00.004-06:00

A shot and a half later:
Falling faster than she could have choked.
She dove into the ocean,
Hoping for the the best, hoping to float.

It was harder than she could have imagined
To survive on her own.
The siren song had been sweeter
Than her soul had tried to know.

Down, down into the water:
Pulling her faster than the speed of light.
Faster, faster into oblivion:
The tug was more powerful than her will to fight.

The voice sang to her sweetly,
Wrapping her in comfort and lullabies.
The wounds were cut so deeply,
Forever written in her heart the lies.

How could it be possible to forget the life she left?
The life she had wanted,
How could she break out from this?
So broken, emotionally stunted.

Do not run, it is not worth the pain.
Just give in and let it take over,
Someday the puzzle will make sense.
No fighting once fate takes you under its cover.

Was there a reason to think this would go well?
One and a half shots to drown:
Cutting deeper to let out the pain,
The surgeon rearranges the etched in frown.

Rabbit holes and party lights;
Give in to the good life ahead.
Diving deeper, drowning sorrow;
Get rid of the sleeping soul left for dead.

Stop with the crying!
Sleep will not help this fright.
Have faith in the fact that you are powerful,
They cower at the sight.

Time to take over.
Rip your fate from the hands of gods.
Wonder, ceaseless, everywhere:
The voices break out in applause.

smoothies make everything seem like a sandcastle paradise...

2009-05-15T00:33:00.004-06:00

"Oh no!" She cried running quickly away from the boulder. It had looked at her in a shady manner and her heart had immediately taken flight and headed in the direction of Milwaukee. Her heart had a tendency to betray her like that, however, this was not as ghastly as the constant mutiny of her feet. She really could not keep life straight anymore. Between the constant glares from the inanimate objects and the snickers coming from under her rug, she knew that eventually she would go mad. Still running she took a turn into a dark and mysterious wood. Something beckoned her in and she realized that what she really wanted was a berry smoothie. A smoothie! That was it! A sweet berry smoothie would solve all of her problems. She hurried through the wood toward a light. The light happened to be a Jamba Juice. What luck! A berry smoothie in hand she leaped into the air and grabbed a hold of the legs of a passing seagull. It was, in fact, disgruntled by her intrusion, but it decided to take her to the beach anyway. After being gently lowered to the ground by the bird, she made a quick sandcastle. She fashioned it quite nicely and decided it would be her new home. Placing a welcome mat made from seaweed in front of the door she went inside and took a nap.

let's rehash this again and again...

2009-05-14T01:46:00.003-06:00

About the time I began to think that coffee shops are pretty much the best things ever, this happened: Random strange guy looking at Rhett coloring our comic. Random strange guy looking at Rhett... and then at me. Random strange guy begins to open mouth. Horror of horrors, words begin to come out. Yipes!

This is a dramatic representation of what happened next.

Trying to appear unremarkable I sat drinking my coffee and holding on to my notebook and pen. It has always been my belief that if I look scared enough people will just leave me alone. Either this is a false assumption, or I am a complete and utter failure at appearing terrified of the world around me. Rhett sat quietly coloring in the comic strip he was working on. He, having no fear of people whatsoever, occasionally sang to the radio and I tried to stop myself from trying to figure out how many people were looking at us due to this. The drawings on the table seemed harmless to me, even comforting. That is, until a strange and ominous looking man hulked over to our table to leer down at them. His eyes, ogled the page and he finally began to ask a string of questions shot at us like bullets flying from a firing squad. I looked at Rhett assuming he would take the bullets for me. He would be a gentleman and help out a poor, innocent, victim such as myself. Wouldn't he? No. He would not. The traitor kept coloring a look of meniacle enjoyment on his face. The man kept asking questions. By this point, my hands were shaking and my pulse racing. Why do strangers talk to meek looking girls who obviously have terrible phobias of everything? He did not relent. He pushed on. Finally, he got what he wanted: a release date, a website, my soul... all written on a 3 x 5 card.

Fin.

I demand two things: Someone to speak to strangers for me and business cards so I do not have to speak as much when it is required and I have to write nothing.

oxygen deprivation...

2009-05-12T01:05:00.003-06:00

Learning to breathe is the most difficult lesson ever to be learned. It takes more effort than any other normal function. For instance, one does not have to learn to keep their heart beating. However, keeping oxygen flowing in and out of my lungs takes a constant reminder. Slow down. Take a breath. Relax. Try not to panic. Try to stop panicking. Try to remember to breathe.

Sometimes I want to scream obscenities at the top of my lungs. I want to curse everyone and everything that is taking away my sanity. This idea never works. The vulgar words get stuck on my tongue and the chastising venom spewing in my head never comes to fruition.

Somehow I have allowed myself to become convinced that the feelings of everyone around me are more important and more fragile than my own. I gently apply a soothing but mostly ineffective balm to my aching heart and I try to remember to let the air come into my starving lungs.

Deep in my soul a writhing, tumultuous, seething, monster is lurking. She carefully and gleefully tends to my festering wounds hoping that they will explode into a giant black hole that will consume everything in its path. There would be nothing left. A vacuum of time and space where everyone and everything that I knew would be gone. On the other side of this wormhole of nothingness there would be a field of rotting corpses left in my wake.

Sometimes I want to scream obscenities at the top of my lungs, but then I remind myself that it already takes too much effort to breathe without all of the unnecessary loss of air that comes from allowing bitter and worthless tripe to flow from my mouth with the same pressure as a fire hose.

Breathing. Taking a minute to pause. Allowing myself to compartmentalize and move on. Always, most importantly, remembering to allow the flow of oxygen to continue throughout my starving and desperate body. Trying to remember. Trying to keep myself going. Trying to stop the inevitable. Remember... breathe.

this started as a tweet...

2009-05-03T23:03:00.004-06:00

I'm feeling a bit growly at the moment. Sorry about that chaps and such, it's just the way it is. I really feel little ambition within my psyche to make any sort of change. There is nothing anyone can do to convince me that it would be better for me to take my inner polar bear (okay, maybe small black bear cub at best) and cage her or even give her a snack to sate her hunger. No, it is going to be this way.
Sometimes my anger builds. Well, you cannot really call it anger. It is more mild irritation with a side of miffed. For the most part, I avoid strong emotions. (That was just a slight pause for worthy digression.)
In reality, my life is not complicated enough for me to become angered. However, my life is just boring enough for me to become complacent and then agitated when something changes. Agitated. That is a good word for it. Like a puppy trying to get away from the two year old bent on pulling its tail. Poor puppy. It will never get away. Eventually the two year old will grow and evolve and develop a way to attack. Rawr.
For now, I remain like a goldfish aware of the kitty staring longingly in at me licking her lips and planning out her mid-day snack: "The fins first or the whole thing in one gulp? Shall I cook it and take time to savor the delicacy, or shall I simply snap it up in my jaws and relish the squirming as it glides down my throat? Seasoning? Perhaps just a little more torture; yes, torture will make it more tender and quite tasty in the end."
The sigh of contentment can quickly turn into a moan of distaste when you realize that what you were enjoying has been turned into a catalyst for torture. Oh, but the jacuzzi felt good. It felt wonderful until I realized it was not a jacuzzi at all but, in fact, a pot of water set to slowly boil upon the stove. Drat! Foiled again at my own game. Is there any way to learn from such a ghastly misstep?

bah...

2009-04-22T12:39:00.003-06:00

When it is hot in April,
It makes the flowers sad.
They wilt, and die, and really
That is very bad.

Turning on the A.C.
When it should still be spring,
Makes me want to grumble,
It makes me want to scream!

Where are the April showers?
Where is the pretty rain?
This early summer weather,
Is driving me insane!

---
Okay, I know this is sub-par junior high (at best) poetry... but still. Does it really have to be this warm... in APRIL?

2009-04-09T00:15:00.004-06:00

Today went well... So well, in fact, that I am going to write something for all of you. I'm not sure what will come next. Your guess is really as good as mine. I just ramble on after all, I don't actually think much of this through before my fingers hit the keyboard.
---

One score and almost four years ago, a girl set forth on a journey to rule the world! She was frequently thwarted in her early domination attempts and so she eventually gave up and decided to eat cake instead. Or did she?
---

Epitaph:

Here lies a perfectly good bit of chicken.
While it was alive, it pecked the ground, in death it was tasty.
The floor was its ultimate demise,
Those who knew this bit of chicken, will surly miss it.
Dear chicken, rest knowing that you made lives better before your untimely departure to the trash can.
---

Not a Limerick: (Slightly dirty for I have been previously reprimanded for the cleanliness of my prior not a limericks/real limericks)

There once was a girl with nice legs
Who liked the way boys would beg.
She wore scandalous skirts,
And skipped through the dirt,
Then she realized that she was objectifying herself in a horrendous way and committed the rest of her life toward the banning of such ridiculous and reprehensible clothing as the mini skirt.
---

The End
and
Nighty night friend types.

epitaph...

2009-04-08T01:03:00.002-06:00

Here lies a good and noble pen.
You were the best at what you did;
You wrote well in a time of uncertainty.
When there was turmoil, you brought peace.
You were a security blanket.
Only a pen, in fact, and not a blanket.

ignorance could be bliss, or maybe cause for a guilty plea...

2009-03-31T13:16:00.003-06:00

This could be controversial. It could make some people angry. Of course, neither of those two things have ever stopped me from speaking my mind before (at least not from the safety of my blog), and so they will not stop me now.

Recently I have taken part in a couple of different conversations about ignorance and what it means to society. Is ignorance an excuse to cover the wounds caused by words that people speak? Could ignorance be equivalent to a guilty plea when being publicly or privately tried? Or could it be that ignorance is simply something that exists before people learn important values, lessons or facts. Maybe, in most cases, ignorance is just ignorance. A misused word that has taken on a meaning that it should not have.

Let us start with a definition (mostly just because I like an excuse to use a dictionary). Mariam-Webster defines ignorance as: the state or fact of being ignorant: lack of knowledge, education, or awareness. It is so simple. So basic. Being ignorant means that you have no knowledge or education of what you are ignorant of. None! How fantastic!

The definition of the word leads to a grave misuse of it. Example: two socially educated friends walking down the street. Person 1, "Oh my gosh! Look at that person! *insert racial or social slur here*" Person 2, "Stop being ignorant." Almost always, this is not ignorance. Almost always, this is just one person being terrible, and another person calling them ignorant because they are, in fact, terrible.

Here is my problem with this misuse. Using the word in such a way has caused people to equate ignorance with hatred. Not all people who say or do or omit things out of ignorance are hateful. Projecting hate into someone's heart when it is not there, is mean and, to be honest, somewhat hateful in itself. Some people just do not know the difference between what is right and wrong. The only way to mend this, is to teach. To teach with love and respect, I should probably add.

I do not want to make this much longer, but I do want to address one more problem. Do we convict people morally or legally based on their ignorance? Should the mothers that have kids that were born with defects due to the insulation in their homes, the lead in their pipes, or the alcohol they consumed before those things were known to be harmful be condemned for being ignorant? Should the wife of a notorious serial killer who never suspected her husband to be something so heinous be tried and convicted as an ignorant accomplice? It all seems a little sticky to me.

I think that sometimes ignorance is just uneducated people (and I mean uneducated in any way, not just in the traditional sense of the word) who do not know they are hurting others. That is what it should be. Misuse of the word is really what is to blame. I think that people need to remember that when they are defending the helpless or those abused by someone that one finds to be ignorant, that it is not done in a hateful and hurtful way to the one you are defending the original person from. Does that make sense?

thoughts on writing...

2009-03-19T20:45:00.003-06:00

There is something about putting thoughts into words and words onto paper that makes the world a little better; a little more tolerable. I can see why Achilles sought immortality. It is easier to think about your fate and your destiny if you know that some part of it will be remembered forever. Achilles still has not been forgotten. In fact, he just becomes more permanently immortalized every time someone makes a new movie or writes a new missive about his life. Could it be that anyone that takes the time to sit and pen their thoughts out into the unknown is seeking the same fate? The same outcome?

I wish there was a way to know that I was making an impact on the world. I wish that I could know that when I spend time writing, someone will read it and be effected by it. Even if that effect is only a shallow musing or a fleeting smile, it would be something. There is something deep in my soul that pulls me out and makes me do what is uncomfortable. It forces me to share with whoever will read what is happening in my brain. The innermost workings of my head and heart are laid bare for everyone to read forcing me to admit that failure will most likely come and that even if that happens I will not be able to stop trying for success.

I am a storm of tumultuous conflict. There is a rage in me that cries to be heard. It wants out. It wants to rule the world. The refusal of such a powerful emotion to be sated has caused me to write. That rage demands to be allowed out of the part of me that cannot handle rejection, pain, social interaction. So, she was born. An alter ego that allows me to be something that I am not but that I so desperately want to be. Confidence pours out of her just as it flees from me. If it were not for the writing I would be lost, doomed to a dark and unforgiving world of self inflicted isolation.

so cold... must find heater...

2009-03-18T09:43:00.004-06:00

Small black scraps of fabric grant confidence through the shameless promotions and mass marketing of stereotypes. For me, I take whatever confidence I can get.

---

If there was a word for the feeling of waking up rejuvenated but not wanting to get out of bed because you went to bed wearing too little and now you realize your mistake because the house is freezing, it would be: confounditalldamnitareyoukiddingme-howcanahousebesofreakingindecisive.

---

Ode to Charlie

Charlie, Charlie, I adore thee!
Although you shed and drive me nuts.
You are warm and very cuddly,
And you lay upon my lap.

---

Today I enjoy the cloud cover and try to remind myself that soon I will be sweltering in the heat of mid August and whining about how dreadful it is. Soon, I will go on and on about missing the bite of the fall air and the cool, peaceful winter. Although currently freezing in my poorly insulated abode, it will not be long until I stare longingly into the past and future and beg for the cool mornings to come be a welcome reprieve from the long, hot days of an endless summer.

disconnected...

2009-03-17T20:26:00.003-06:00

My head is disconnected from my body. It lives a different life. My legs, torso, and arms are all someone that my head refuses to recognize.

Metaphysics. Who am I? What am I? I am my head, my brain. I am also my body. Life starts with a beat of my heart and sends a surge of blood through my circulatory system. This is the only part of my body my head will recognize. It has to recognize it, or it will die and begin to rot. A rotting brain does little good for itself.

Thinking, being. Two senses separated by dire conflict. They must learn to communicate, to merge, to comply with each other and to live. This may not be possible. Time will tell. I wait with baited breath.

Bambi?

2009-03-05T00:53:00.003-07:00

Drip, drip drop
Little April shower
I'm getting wet
And I don't care at all

---

The rain should stay. I woke up this morning and felt like I was on vacation in Oregon and it was the best feeling ever. More rain tomorrow, please?

---

If you jump down that hole, you'll only end up floating in the sky. You'll drift up and up and eventually end up losing your ability to breathe as you are sucked out into space. So, just do not go into the hole. It should not be that difficult to resist. Holes are dirty anyway and you would not want to get your pants dirty. Well, maybe the pants. The pants are not that special anyway, but your shirt is fantastic! Where did you get it? We should really go shopping sometime. At least if you decide not to jump into the hole.

too many jelly beans...

2009-02-10T01:26:00.004-07:00

If it was meant to be, then it would be. There is no way to turn back time and make the past the present again. That would make life like a skipping record, a skipping record, a skipping record, a skipping record, a skipping record...

----

Why is today such a waste of time if tomorrow is so untouchable and yesterday is completely dead and decaying?

----

The sound of clocks ticking annoys me. One more second gone to waste. Now another second wasted thinking of the previous wasted second. Now another, and another, and another. It is like a black hole of seconds that turn into minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, eons.

----

Let's play the estimating game. Let's estimate how much time it takes for the average person to convince themselves they are happy and fulfilled each day. Forgetting: work stress, family stress, stresses within those stresses, the plausible traffic jam at 4:32, the static over the phone line while ordering lunch that causes the restaurant to send the wrong thing, the kids' refusal to do their homework, the wife's refusal to cook dinner, the husband's refusal to fix the sink. If we figure five minutes spent negating each issue, then it is clear that there is not enough time in the day to even attempt such a feat. One can then assume that it is impossible for the average person to be happy and fulfilled.

dreams for the future...

2009-02-04T21:53:00.004-07:00

I wish upon a golden fish to live my life in a blue soap dish.
To jump up and down while wearing my crown and faithfully passing flippant laws down.
To fly a kite with no end in sight.
To cry for no reason during all seasons.
I wish I could play for a day in the hay.
For a day I would like to catch pike on a trike.
For a day to frolic like a frolic aholic.
For some time committing crimes that border on the sublime.
I wish upon a golden fish to live my life in a blue soap dish.

something to ponder...

2009-01-31T02:31:00.002-07:00

How many munchies could a munchy munch munch if I munchy munch could munch munchies?

snorefullupagus...

2009-01-26T01:47:00.003-07:00

Josh and Cole are both snoring. Usually I find this oddly comforting, but tonight I find it... annoying. Therefore, I grumble.

*grumble*

*sigh*

*growl*

Maybe I will get to sleep soon. However, I do not count on it.

So, my sweet group of loyal readers, I will sing sweet silliness into what are most likely your overly serious lives. After all, smiles are good for the soul. We would not want said souls to become ill would we?

-----
Fractured Nursery Rhymes:

Hickory Dickory Dock,
You sniffed an old smelly sock.
Your face turned green,
And it ruptured your spleen.
Hickory Dickory Dock.
...
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To eat a turkey cobbler.
Jack cried fowl,
And he did scowl,
And Jill went crying to mother.

-----
These are not limericks:

There was an old woman from Boston,
Who always got lost in the commons.
She liked her fish fried,
When she spoke, she did lie,
And so she was told she had to go live somewhere else because the good people of Boston were no longer going to put up with her antics.

Someone from Mars went to France
To look at designer pants.
They liked how they looked,
But away they still booked
Because the prices in France were simply exorbitant and they realized they could probably get the same quality pants without the designer label back home.

for better or worse...

2009-01-22T00:55:00.004-07:00

My face is, as I have decided to come to terms with, my face. It will not leave. It is... attached. I do not have anything against the face stuck to the front of my head really, I more have a problem with my nose. Now, when I say I have a problem with my nose, I mean that I have a problem with the fact that my nose flares when I am angry or annoyed. I also hate that this is a direct indicator to anyone who knows this fact of exactly how I feel about various mundane and significant matters. Due to the minor readership of this blog, I feel relatively comfortable sharing this little fact. Wait, maybe I don't. I'm not sure. It is too late to really tell... maybe we should ask my nose.
"Nose, are you okay with me telling the world our secret?"
(nose flares)
"Whoops..."

a moment of clarity...

2008-12-09T22:29:00.005-07:00

Realizing that I could not stay mad forever, I walked off towards something that appeared to be a giant pear plopped in the middle of the road. The appearance of the pear, was not the strangest thing I had seen all day. The strangest thing I had seen had been the cow sitting and drinking tea with the goldfish. For one reason or another, I could not take my eyes from the tea. Then I realized it was because the entire ocean had been somehow contained in that one small cup. Running off into the foggy meadow, I pondered what it would be like to throw the goldfish out of its bowl and into the tea ocean of the cow's cup. Could fish even swim in tea? Perhaps they are much to dense. For now it seems that I am stuck in the madness of the rabbit hole. However, someday I hope to pop my head out and into another more lucid reality. Until that day my time shall be passed avoiding pears and trying not to become too angry at the reflections in the stream or at the annoying squirrels chattering away from their perches in the clouds. Tomorrow will, after all, be another day.

i know it isn't techinically late enough to write on this blog right now but...

2008-12-01T14:26:00.003-07:00

I made up another limerick last night and thought I should share...

There once was a nose from the moon
Who fell in love with a spoon.
As much as he tried
His love was denied,
For the spoon was in love with a loon!

I know you are shocked and stunned by the depth of my talent...

oh goodness gracious...

2008-11-20T00:12:00.004-07:00

I'm awake. Clearly, I should be sleeping. Jenna... sleeping. Josh... sleeping. Cole... sleeping. Krissy... not sleeping. "Why?" you may ask. The answer is that I have no clue. I'm kind of tired. I have no crazy thoughts running through my head. But I am awake. As long as I'm awake, I think I'll write a limerick.

There once was a lad from the city,
who composed a rather long ditty.
He sang it in France
while wearing silk pants.
Which really, you see, was quite witty.

Maybe another one just for good measure? "Yes!" you say? Well, okay then... if you insist!

A long time ago at Fort Knox,
a monkey was found wearing socks.
The men living inside
they broke down and cried.
The monkey ran off with an ox.

Oh, I do say! I am quite good at late night nonsensical poetic delights.

Much love to my fans!

Goodnight!

the whole family is sick and...

2008-11-19T00:21:00.003-07:00

So, I slept all day because I had the flu. This means I am currently not sleepy. Bah.

Jenna is funny.
Me: Jenna, it's time for bed.
Jenna: NO!
Me: Jenna, look at me. Don't tell me no.
Jenna: Oh, ok.

Josh left for work today, and then he came home. He got a sub for tomorrow too. He is feeling pretty awful, but it is still nice to have him around more than usual. Kerri helped us out with the kids today while we both slept away being sick... it was amazing! It was nice to be able to rest without having to worry about the babies.

I want to go to sleep now. I'm going to try at least.

poker night...

2008-11-08T00:23:00.003-07:00

Cash game. Buy in? $2... I left with $4. Josh bought in for $7... and left with $13. Really not a bad night!

It was also good to see friends. I love our poker night friends. It is so great that we still all hang out even though college is over. I'm glad we haven't lost touch.

bang, bang...

2008-10-31T01:35:00.003-06:00

Josh is gone hunting. Again. Hopefully he'll get something this time. While he is off being all manly in the woods, I am experiencing the kind of insomnia I get when I'm not with him. I can be dead tired and not be able to fall asleep when he is away (or when I'm away from him). It is actually kind of frustrating. As much as I love the guy, I really wish he didn't have this affect on me. It would be much nicer to be able to sleep away the nights so that it didn't feel like he was gone for so long. At least we have cable now. It was super annoying when I had to entertain myself with infomercials while he was away. I suppose this is the lot of any woman who has a hunting husband...

just a little tid-bit...

2008-10-03T23:37:00.003-06:00

I'm tired.

I'm sad for someone that I know, but they don't know it... or why.

I'm frustrated.

I'm having a hard time getting over something that I should be able to just put behind me.

I've had the feeling recently that someone is watching me. I know that there isn't anyone... but it is just that feeling. Like someone is prying into somewhere they shouldn't be and violating the privacy of my head. I know this sounds crazy, I don't mean it to. But it is true... I hate it.

Lisa tagged me...

2008-09-25T00:50:00.003-06:00

I have been tagged by Lisa

If you have been tagged, here is what is requested:

1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a post on their blog.

7 facts about Kristine Ranae Noteboom:

1. When I read a book, it is almost like a drug to me. I can't put it down for very long, and I will give up things that my body needs (like eating and sleeping) in order to get more...

2. I have a very vivid imagination that, if I am not careful, can get in the way of living my real life.

3. Water that goes above my shoulders terrifies me.

4. If I could do anything without having to worry about consequences it would be to get several piercings and a couple of tattoos.

6. If there was one thing that I wished that I had more time for it would be to write.

7. I love driving into the middle of nowhere (but only if I'm not alone... because I don't really like to be alone) just to take in life. For example: driving up to a hilltop to watch the sunset, going into the forest to watch the way the rain falls through the trees, or finding an empty beach to watch the waves crash against.

Tagged: Heidi, Krista, Sarah, Zach, Rhett, Reid, Jessica

Too excited!

2008-07-23T23:29:00.003-06:00

It is really funny to me that I am having so much trouble sleeping tonight. Tomorrow Josh and I have an ultrasound, and I am so excited to see the baby again! It has been almost 20 weeks since our last peek at the baby and I really can't wait to see him or her again. It is also going to be very interesting to see what an ultrasound looks like at 38 weeks. I'm really tired tonight, but I'm too excited to sleep. Even if I were to go full term, I only have 2 weeks left! Tomorrow I get to see my baby again on the ultrasound, and before too long, I'll actually get to see it in person!

My ribs need a break.

2008-07-03T01:19:00.002-06:00

The last couple of nights the baby has decided that it is fun to poke me in the ribs. This means that I haven't really been able to fall asleep. I'd like to be able to sleep, and so my ribs need a break. I wish I knew how to convince the baby to leave my poor ribs alone!

My four hour nap...

2008-07-01T02:00:00.003-06:00

I took a nap today...

BIG mistake...

Now I'm exhausted, but I can't fall asleep.

I have a doctor's appointment and play group in the morning...

I have to work from 3-6 in the afternoon.

2:02 a.m.

Can't sleep...

Busy day tomorrow...

I'm SO screwed!

It's 5:30 a.m.

2008-06-28T05:29:00.003-06:00

I was such a good girl last night. I went to bed early instead of staying up to play poker because I was tired, and I actually fell asleep! So, why am I up right now? Well, Josh did not go to bed early. Josh stayed up very, very late. Then, when he came to bed, he watched movies on high volume again. So we had a talk about that again and now he is peacefully snoring next to me. I, on the other hand, am done sleeping for the night. Maybe I'll get out of bed here in an hour or so and go get breakfast and go yard saling. A cup of coffee, a dough nut and a drive around town kind of sounds like fun. It also sounds kind of relaxing. It's been a while since I've had some good "me" time. Maybe I'll even take a book and go read it at a coffee shop for a while. I guess at the very least, I'm in a pretty good mood for having been up already for about an hour. Later we're going to Lucky Peak... so I suppose I can get some rest at the beach. Maybe I'll even get to take a nap in the sun! I think it's going to be a pretty good day.

Pondering last Sunday...

2008-06-25T23:28:00.003-06:00

Sunday Josh and I were going to church. We were excited; we were ready; we were running on time! We had Jenna with us and we had all of our stuff. We walked out the door. Josh looked at me and asked if I had the keys. I looked at him blankly. I NEVER have the keys. Josh drives, not me. However, after a week of being on the river, Josh had forgotten everything in the house. He had left his phone, his wallet, and his keys. So, we were locked out of the house without car keys. What ended up happening? We remembered that our bedroom window was unlocked and Josh managed to break in. He got the keys and we were off! We showed up way late (which was frustrating because we had been running on time for once), but our lesson hadn't actually started yet. We ended up having a great time at church and then we went to Kuna for a fabulous lunch. It turned out to be a pretty good day... despite the rough start.

What have we learned from this story? Josh and I are both complete dorks... ah well. We suit each other... No?

Charlie: my mighty protector!

2008-06-18T23:37:00.003-06:00

Tonight Robby and Heidi came over to watch A Goofy Movie with me. After the movie was over we were sitting and chatting when all of a sudden Charlie went crazy! I'm not sure what was in our yard, but Charlie was going to kill it if it didn't leave. The three of us went outside to check and see if we could figure out what was happening, but all that was left was Charlie who was running around like crazy and sniffing all around our yard. Whatever had been there, my crazy protector dog had scared it off. She is really great to have around to warn me that there is something wrong, and I'm really glad to have her.

In other news...

I haven't had a whole lot of sleep the last couple of days. My body has been giving me a lot of trouble and not allowing me to rest very well. The day after my massage I felt amazing! I had no pain in my back, hips, shoulders, or neck. However, Tuesday evening and today I have really felt terrible. my hips and legs are giving me the most trouble. In fact, this morning I could barely walk. I really don't know what to do about it... but I also don't know if I can make it the almost two months I have left of being pregnant if it doesn't go away.

And finally...

I miss Josh. I actually miss him a lot. It is really strange not even being able to call him and make sure he is doing okay. I'm really excited to see him on Saturday and I'm starting to get impatient for the weekend to get here!

Do I really want to wake up in the morning?

2008-06-14T23:41:00.003-06:00

I'm trying to decide if I want to go to church tomorrow. Part of me says, "Yes! Go! Even though you would be alone doesn't mean that you aren't welcome in your class." People go by themselves all the time, but I'm not people... I have a hard time doing things at church without Josh for some reason. Everywhere else I feel pretty confident with myself, but at church I feel like I need him to really belong. I don't know, I kind of want to go. I'm not sure I want to go to Sunday school though. Maybe I'll just go to church. Urgh! Why am I having such a hard time making such a basic decision? More importantly, why am I going on and on and on and on about it online?

What I learned by not sleeping tonight:

2008-06-12T01:27:00.001-06:00

Jenna, like her mother, talks in her sleep.

Because I'm mad at the Subway girl.

2008-06-11T02:07:00.004-06:00

I really wasn't planning on blogging tonight because I felt like my post on my other blog was sufficient for the day. However, then I went to Subway for dinner. I officially have a grudge against the Subway on 12th. Here's what happened:

Josh, Jenna, and I went out with Pete and Kerri for dinner. I was telling one girl what I wanted on my sandwich and Kerri was ordering Jenna's. I became distracted by a sign talking about the tomato recall and so when Kerri asked if I wanted anything on Jenna's sandwich I said that she probably didn't need anything else. Well, apparently the gal making her sandwich had asked about cheese because she looked at me and said, "American is probably what you have in your fridge. You know, the orange kind." Are you kidding me? Seriously? Holy crap! Anyhow, I was slightly stunned and I told her that we wanted cheddar. She told me that they only had shredded cheddar and that it would be messy. So, I now had a teenager that assumed I knew nothing about cheese and that I was incapable of deciding if my daughter could handle shredded cheese. I told her just to do provolone. I was fairly stunned that some random kid working at a Subway would have the gall to talk to a customer the way she did. Man, she apparently has zero tact, or bigger balls than I... I didn't know what else to do and so I went and sat down and told Josh what had occurred; he was pretty shocked as well.

It's not that late.

2008-06-08T23:50:00.003-06:00

It is only 9 minutes until midnight, and I am already feeling like the night will never end. My back hurts. My legs hurt. My hips hurt.

I took a wonderfully restful nap today, but this seems to be causing me problems now. It was so nice at the time! I actually crashed without tossing and turning or waking up with shooting pain in my legs and back. However, on the flip side, now I am not very tired. I wish that I could just close my eyes and find relief, but I don't think that is going to happen any time soon tonight.

I started this blog so that I could rant a little more than I normally do in my other one. I feel bad constantly talking about how bad I feel. I think I'm just getting to the breaking point. I need sleep, and I need pain relief, and I need them both right now. I'm hoping for a massage sometime soon... but I guess we will see.

Time with Josh

2008-06-07T00:39:00.003-06:00

So, after being insanely mad at my husband this morning (at like 7 a.m.) for watching movies at far to high of a volume for most of the night, I wrote a nasty blog and stormed out of the house to find coffee. While driving down the rode and cursing Josh for everything I could think of, I realized that I needed to calm down. I went home and told Josh to put shoes on while I got Jenna ready because we were going out for coffee and he was going with me and I was going to stop being mad at him. So we went to coffee and then we went and bought a paper and went around to yard sales. It was so much fun!

Anyhow, I ended up having a really good day when I was expecting to have a really bad one. Although, I think I might kick Josh in the face if he tries to watch another Karate Kid movie tonight while I am trying to sleep... ;)

Cranky Bitch

2008-06-06T06:56:00.003-06:00

I recognize her presence, and yet I can't seem to make her go away.

Watch out world... I am in a REALLY bad mood.

To top off a terrible night of "sleep" I woke up to get breakfast and we were out of milk. Why can I never find these things out BEFORE morning?

I think I need coffee... I don't even care. Give me caffeine, and give it to me NOW!

Not enough to do!

2008-06-06T00:54:00.004-06:00

Why is it that the only really good thing to do after about 10:30 p.m. is to eat? It seems like no matter what else I am doing while I am up all night, I must be eating as well. I check myspace and eat. I check facebook and eat. I play online poker and eat. I blog and eat. Not everything I eat is bad for me. I try to do a good mix of healthy and yummy. However, I am still eating. At my last doctor's appointment I had only gained one pound. This brought my weight up to 146 lbs. Considering by this point with Jenna I probably weighed 175 and by the end I weighed 180, 146 is sounding pretty good. So, I'm having trouble limiting my food intake now.

Do you know what sucks the most about this time of night? That even on cable there really isn't much to watch. There is poker until 3 a.m., but it is just reruns. I wish that they would make more infomercials. Weird, huh? It's just that I get sick of watching the same ones over and over again.

I also wish I could afford to buy myself a few monotonous computer games to play. Computers are fun, but they are even more fun when they contain point and click games. You know, like the ones where you click on the person and then on the table where they want to sit and then you feed them and clear their place?

What is even stranger than TV this time of night is my husband. He has been falling asleep early, and then waking up around midnight to hang out with me. (Isn't that sweet?) (But I don't think he means to... so maybe it isn't sweet.) (However, I suppose it is sweet that he doesn't make me sleep on the couch to keep from waking him up.) Anyhow, Josh is playing poker. And he is calling cards down. And they are showing up! It is actually kind of creepy...

Okay. I'm done now. Bye, bye!

Craving a trip to WalMart?

2008-06-03T00:26:00.004-06:00

The last couple of days I have literally been craving everything that I see that is food. A burger commercial comes on: I want a burger. We drive by a Chinese restaurant: I must have fried rice now! It is crazy because I have been pretty good all pregnancy. I haven't had many cravings. Even with Jenna I was never really the stereotypical, "Go to the store now and buy me ice cream and pickles... NOW!" kind of pregnant woman.

Tonight, the cravings got the best of me. At eleven tonight I decided to go to WalMart to get food, but Jenna was already in bed and so Josh couldn't come with me. So, I called Jennie and asked her if she could come with me and off we went. Once we got there I began going through the store and grabbing anything that sounded good. I ended up with cookie dough ice cream, cheese cracker crisps, rice pudding, cheese sticks, sour cream and onion Pringles, graham crakers and a strawberry yogurt.

The best part of the trip though was the fact that we saw like six other pregnant women in the store with a bunch of random food in their carts.